Forced to leave the nest and comfort of my hometown, it was time to go into the big bad "City of Lights".
I am 22 years young and hardly left the nest prior to this. My upheaval from Durban to Johannesburg really unsettled my system. My family is close knit and we are each very family orientated.We enjoy intimate family dinners and chats before collectively watching soapies on the television. Prior to moving out of home, I took family time for granted and never really appreciated the worth of those moments and how precious they were.
It is the change in environment that triggered the epiphany that I recently had. I now have a deeper appreciation of my family and the support structure which they are for me. At this point I am disoriented and in all honesty, finding my feet is proving to be a bit of a challenge.I have a tendency of taking on a passive personality and it becomes hard for me to break out once I have found comfort in my shell. I am however grateful for the little curios voice inside of me, it is the reason that I often find myself in trouble but it is also the reason I chose the field of journalism. I doubt I've been doing enough as of late to showcase my curious personality but I'm truly hoping that I will get over myself and start working and showing these people why I deserve to be here.
Durban is huge but I know my way around everything. I could probably walk around Durban CBD with my eyes closed. I grew up in the concrete jungle, a small area called Sydenham, not far from the city centre. It is notorious for drugs and crime. I admit that it's not the safest environment to raise a child but I also believe it is one of the very few places which rigorously teach a child about life skills. I think I turned out okay, and all my grooming took place in Sydenham. I was exposed to a lot, far beyond my age and that made me streetwise. It also gave birth to the idea that I've had for a while now, but that's a story for another day. For now let's focus on the reflection at hand. I had always pictured a life outside of my hometown. The hardest thing for me was leaving my family. Yes I know I sound like a big baby but the whole point of a reflective piece is honesty. I just never had a clear idea of where my destination would lead. So wish granted...
I've been in Johannesburg for the past three weeks and the journey has been an emotional roller-coaster. I've went from overjoyed to severe depression.I mentioned earlier that I currently feel disorientated and its really starting to frustrate me. Not even jet-lag lasts this long. I am my biggest critic, introspection is the easiest thing for me to do. I believe that I am blessed because I am able to acknowledge and realize my own flaws. I will not hold back, I'm ready to dish it out and lay myself on the line.
The idea I had when I initially started scripting this piece was to vent about how I felt I was not being accommodated by everybody else around me. I'll have you know that the focus has since changed, I am nobody's responsibility. Rather, I will focus on how I have shut myself off from everybody else and try to navigate my way back to sanity.
The first to weeks were bearable because I lived with a friend and she went out her way to ensure that I felt at home. She truly is an angel. I never thought anyone could sacrifice so much of their space, energy and money to ensure that someone else is happy. The lesson I learnt from her is that angels aren't white men who live in the sky, they are actually people that we come into contact with on a daily basis. While home life was tranquil, I was experiencing information overload at work. Not that I'm complaining, I was having fun. My concern however, is that I was unable to absorb as much as I would have liked to. I sincerely hope the little which I managed to absorb will see me through the journey.
The drama started two days ago when I moved in to my own place. I had this great fantasy of how living on my own would be and honestly,it has no resemblance to what I had envisioned . Instead I live in what I have dubbed as "hell". That apartment has so much drama, even though it is not directed at me, I still feel it is contributing towards pushing me into a state of depression.
My greatest concern is my disconnection to everything around me. It is almost as if my emotions have shut down due to failure of handling the new pressure I am faced with. I fear that my emotional-disconnection will hinder my progress and prevent me from performing to the best of my ability. I hope that I will get a grip and adjust in time and continue with life. My strongest point has always been my creativity, that and my confidence. Since coming to Johannesburg, both have taken a knock and I struggle to understand why. I am truly pushed out of my comfort zone and it is evident that I am not in my element.
My fear was getting lost and ending up in a township where everyone speaks a different language, thank heavens that hasn't happened. And I pray to God that it doesn't.
I've always believed the most intricate and crucial part of solving a problem is acknowledging that you have one in the first place. My greatest challenge now is figuring out what to do so that I find my element again. Losing my biological father at this time of my life also added fuel to the fire. It really is the last thing I needed at this point because my emotions suddenly have so much to deal with all at once. I'm not a cry baby, really I'm not. Talking about my emotions remains the hardest thing for me to do, and so I've taken a comfort in writing things down. I am a scribe.
Writing this has given me perspective. I have remembered why I am here and what my passions are. I drop this keyboard to bury myself in books. Yep I'm about to research something that could lead to the biggest story of my career. So wish me luck and pray that I am able to overcome the depression that is slowly trying to creep up on me.
I had another direction in mind but this piece has taken its own direction and I will just let it be because I believe that whatever my finger tips type on this keyboard is something that was meant to be said.
